Kyla Jenee Lacey | Poet | via Instagram @kylajlacey“…it’s ok to talk about me behind my back.
Just tell the truth.
Tell them all the things that I did for you.
Tell them that positivity surrounded all of my actions and that negative ions had an eye on everything I tried to become.
Take all your false charges, add them together, and we are left polarized ’cause you can’t attract positivity
with lies.
Too bad you can’t look me in the eyes
when you stab me in the back.”
I know I already had a blow out yell session with her. No, I didn’t let her get a word in. I thought I had the right to say my piece, in any way I chose, since she took it upon herself to talk all that mess behind my back. For months, I hear. Do I know what her problem with me was? No, because never once did she consider to say it to my face. She, in her mid life, wants to drown in negativity. That seems to be her breath. Her lifeline. The only way she can get through the day. For as long as I’ve known her, her go to is to go low.
Yup. Sounds like I haven’t moved on quite yet and am still living as PETTY LaBelle a little bit longer. I have to be in these feelings and the only way to go forward is to move through.
Am I a perfect person? Hell no. Am I a perfect friend? Nope. Am I a good friend? I try to be. I make a conscious effort to be. Always.
“It’s ok to talk about me behind my back. Just tell the truth.”
Everyone has frustrations with friends. Just as much as they have frustrations with their partner, their children, their co-workers, etc. That’s all ok.
We are human.
We are all imperfect humans.
We have a right to express those frustrations to those we feel safe with. But no matter the frustrations, respect shouldn’t be forgotten.
Cutting ties with a person in a friendship (or any type of relationship) makes you look back and take notice of all the red flags we stupidly missed or noted them during the friendship and “gracefully looked them over”. Honestly, I’m still holding on to this situation because, although I may no longer care for this person, I can not seem to forgive myself. I heard how she spoke about other people, I should’ve known she would speak about me in the same tone. I tried to be the friend who could alter her thought process. Maybe show her that negativity doesn’t always have to be the go to expression. I should have known better.
I allowed myself to look over so many red flags and continue a friendship I should never have nurtured. There have been two times, in my adult life, that I have gone against my first instinct of keeping distance from a person and reluctantly let them get close to me. And both times did not end well. Always listen to your gut.
So I say to you, Miss Ma’am. When you spoke down about me because I chose to fix a personal problem with my family over going to a dinner for you, did you also tell the table everything else I did for you during the span of our friendship? Did you tell them all the times I let you speak freely about your feelings without judgement? Did you mention all the times I stood by you when you felt like you were standing alone? While you sat and got buzzed off your margarita and your true feelings came out, were those true feelings only disdain for me and did you conveniently bury any kind memories of me to prove your negative point to your audience for the evening? Did you ever once take into consideration that although I could not show up in person that night, that I showed up for you in many other ways on many other different occasions?
Hhhmmmm.
If you actually knew me at all, you should have known I would not have walked away from this situation quietly. I am not the one, two, or the three. So now if you tell everyone the story of us and why I stepped out of (in the process of healing) character to speak up for myself, remember that your ACTIONS triggered MY RESPONSE. You like telling “stories”, so make sure you tell the whole one.
But as much as I’m still trying to forgive myself for letting you have an ounce of my friendship, I am grateful your true colors shined brighter than the sun. But because of you, I made room for people who radiate positivity and bring me peace. I spent more time and had deeper conversations with people who light me up and want all the best things for me as much as I want all the best things for them. Since our cut off, I’ve grown closer to women who supported me at my lowest times and appreciate every part of my personality. But most importantly, I was able to nurture the relationships with women who value my friendship and respect me enough to know conversations to my face are more appreciated than conversations behind my back.
I won’t ever forget all the times you were a good friend to me. But the moment you became a foe will be highlighted in my memory.
I have always been clear that when I love someone, I love them hard and forever. But when I am crossed, the opposite holds true 10x over.
You wanted the smoke, so I gave it to you.
Crown and Coffee 