Category: Coffee Talk

Four Decades and a Deuce.

Falling in love with who I am.
I don’t have time for anything that’s gonna harm me.


Lyrics: Hello | Aqyila

This past December I celebrated my 42nd birthday. It’s been so long since I wanted to do anything in celebration of my birthday. I struggled hard with depression and anxiety for the past few years and the last thing I wanted to do was to celebrate my life. A morbid thought but a brutally honest truth. I was more than comfortable laying around in the dark, under the covers, with no one around and could feel that was the party of the century for me. But during the summer of 2023, I looked into therapy because I finally came to a point where I no longer wanted to be content in my sadness. I truly believe that helped my mindset once my birthday rolled around.

Once it got closer to my birthday, it was the first time in such a long time I planned ahead. I made a list of people and reviewed potential restaurants with my sister. That in itself shocked the hell out of me. That told me I was committed to do this and it genuinely brought me joy.

Like I mentioned before, my path to brighter days and a brighter mindset started in the summer. I had reached a point where I could no longer hide my sadness and depression. I was more irritable than normal and cried all the time. My soul hurt and it hurt bad. I was also letting negative people take over my thoughts and my space which added on to my dark cloud. Close friends heard and felt the sadness that emitted from my aura no matter how hard I hid behind smiles that I thought, with my whole heart, were pretty convincing. They were, in fact, not convincing at all. They saw through it and one friend in particular told me that they saw the dim in my light and they knew that was not who I was. As she said it with a crack in her voice, I heard it loud and clear behind the tears welling up in my eyes.

And with that, I sought out the help I knew I needed but was too afraid to ask for. After some sessions and a deep reflection of who I am and who I want to be and the impact of the positive people in my life, the dark cloud was lifting. Slowly but surely. I put myself first and weeded out the negative people and pushed away the negative thoughts. I no longer was giving them permission to invade my space. I was able to see and feel that I was deserving of good things and good people. My life deserves to be celebrated. I have been through a lot of shit and have always fought my way out of it to make sure I am there for the people I love. And I realized, I should also be there for the person I should love the most, myself.

So, as I jotted down the names of people I wanted to break bread with on my birthday. I wrote all those names down thoughtfully and with much care. Each stroke of a letter empowered me with deep love. The people who helped me celebrate my life, gave me life in one way or another. They were a mixture of people that I know genuinely want all good things for me and nothing less. Some have been in my life for 20+ years, seen the different versions of me and have stuck by me with no judgement and only loved me harder as the years added on to our friendship. Some have been acquaintances for years and have become family to me in a short period of time. I have a special feeling of gratitude for them. They loved me at a time I was feeling my worst and chose to not let me figure it all out on my own. They encouraged me to find my light. They chose to cry with me and continued to lift me up. They absolutely gave me a strong sense of women supporting women. What an amazing feeling that is!

No matter how much I express it to these special humans, they may never really know how deep my love and appreciation runs for them. But no matter where life ever leads us, they will always hold a special place in my heart because, at this stage of my life, they helped me see that I was worth celebrating. I am worth the effort. And I always have been.

Cheers to many more years of self love and happy adventures with amazing people.

There Can Be Peace.

There is a person in my life who I could not stand. Whenever I was around her, I only felt negative energy, anxiety, and stress. She is not a soft, sweet soul. Everyone who has met her has always had at least one negative thing to say about her. I’ll tell you right now, everyone is telling the truth. She is just fine knowing people don’t like her and she moves around the world not liking most people around her. I’m not sure what traumas she has faced in her lifetime but she has opened up about some which explains her demeanor very clearly.

Usually, I’m one to seperate myself from people like this immediately but unfortunately, I have to partner with her for the community and I have to look at the bigger picture. We tolerate each other for the kids in the community. Although, I have to work side by side with this person at times, I never ever have hesitated to let her hear my mouth or bounce back her bad energy x 10. We have actually been able to collaborate with each other for about 6 years or so without huge confrontation until October 2022.

She’s not very good at communicating with people. Her go to approach is to speak to everyone as if she is the highest ranking officer in the military. Ok, maybe I’m being a tad bit dramatic (a TAD!). She just uses the same authoritative tone she uses with the children with the adults but adds a hint of attitude.
No thank you ma’am. That is not how you speak to us.
Anyway, since I am not the one, I gave her a taste of her own medicine and since then we both let our displeasures about each other fester within us the entire school year.

Fast forward to the last day of school, I had initiated a conversation with this person to give us a time and place to air out our grievances to each other and we did just that. We didn’t need a whole day or even an hour. She’s an associate that I just needed to be civil with. We only needed 10 minutes. I let her know about herself, because she would never admit to any wrongdoing. She also would never believe her ACTIONS triggered MY REACTIONS. I’m in my healing era, I wouldn’t pop off all willy nilly if it wasn’t warranted. (lol.) But I also didn’t leave the conversation without admitting my faults in the situation we were in. I didn’t need to always react in the ways that I did (although, again, she started it!! lol – healing is a journey not a destination, I’m still human!)
In the end we agreed to make the rest of the time we need to collaborate together to be a more pleasant one and she actually wanted to hug it out. She is not a hugger by any means so she either wanted me to get the hell out of the room and be done with this or she was actually overly consumed with peace in that moment. I’m going to go with more of the first with just a tiny spec of the second.

Via @wetheurban Instagram.

When I get into a disagreement with someone and a conversation is had, apologies have been swapped and better actions have been promised, I keep my word. I will never talk about the past again. We will continue to move forward with our promises of better actions and reactions. Well, at least I will, since I can’t speak for her. But as the new school year has begun it looks to be going well. I don’t look at her and see red anymore. (Ha!)
Do I think she is a better person? No.
Do I think she is fake during our interactions? Yes.
But the better question is, have I changed? Hella.
I walked into that room at the end of the last school year mentally exhausted, a negative fog surrounding me, and ready for battle. And with great friends and therapy sessions (we’ll get into more of that in a later post), I walked into the new school year a slightly different person. I’ve learned she, or anyone else that isn’t down for me for that matter, doesn’t deserve any of my extra energy. I learned not to feed a negative situation because it will only bring me down into darkness. I learned to let a lot of things go, take a step back and breath because not everything is as big of a monstrosity as I make it out to be.

There can be peace if you want it. And I NEEDED it.

Peace.

Funny Story | @emilyhenrywrites Moments. Lately. A Game of Fate | Scarlett St. Clair Bay side. A Touch of Darkness | Scarlett St. Clair

Then Comes Marriage.

Marriage is hard. Hard as hell.
Lately I’ve been having conversations with friends and family members, watching Tik Tok storytimes, and reading books that shine a light on marital topics. We’re all at this stage where we’ve been with our partners for many years now and some have pushed through, some are still struggling, and some have been completely wrecked.

COMMUNICATION
My husband and I have finally reached a place where we aren’t fighting every single second of the day. Obviously our marriage didn’t start off like this. When you’re finally out of the honeymoon stage and throw in issues with finances, mental health struggles and children, it can rock the boat. Don’t get me wrong, the fights may have lessened but the fights can still be extreme and passionate. We are both fire signs and we always tend to light shit up. It’s just who we are. Ryan and I definitely don’t have a perfect marriage. It is absolutely far from that. We are both hella hard headed, quick with a temper, and loud as can be. But I think we’ve found a way to be a little better in our communication, which opens us up to be more forthcoming and patient in the last couple of years. We are an absolute work in progress. Honestly, as proud as I am of the couple we have become, these progressions came with a lot of struggle. It came with a good amount of times of us being unkind to each other. We were assholes to each other (and we still can be).

For a long time, we didn’t know how to communicate with each other well. I am the type of person who shuts down during a fight and he wants to keep talking about it no matter the level of anger. He never understood I needed to step away to cool off and separate myself for a bit and I never understood his need to fix things right away. As the years have gone by, we found a way to handle this divide better than we had before. Although he still tries to talk things out right then and there, his approach has evolved to also respect how I am processing the situation. He’s learned to give me the space I need which makes it easier for me to give him the conversation we need. Did we perfect this? No. Do we still make mistakes? Yes, but from what I see, we both have tried to communicate better BEFORE we reach the highest level of battle.

When we have to reveal our feelings to each other, we’ve gotten better not blaming each other for why we feel a certain way. We start off conversations like “Can I tell you something? I don’t want you take this the wrong way…” or “I don’t mean this as disrespect..” or “Can I speak freely?..”
We’ve been married for a while now and we know each other hella well. We know there are things we can say that can come out not as we intended it to. What works for us, is giving each other a warning before we spit out our true thoughts and feelings. Ryan and I are rough around the edges so we know we don’t always sound as soft as we would like. We have also learned to receive this communication as a safe opening to a possible difficult discussion.

Just because my marriage is “on good standing” status right now, it’s not lost on me that it won’t continue to go through waves. We. Are. Human. We’ve seen fun smooth years and we have also seen some years where we both have questioned whether or not we should continue our marriage. But I do know that we both love each other and both love the life we have built together. We love each other enough to know that marriages and relationships can not just survive and thrive off love alone. They also need trust, communication, action, respect, the willingness to grow together, to learn together, and to make changes where changes are needed. I’m sure we will continue to make mistakes and will possibly continue to hurt each other at times. We will probably forget things we learned to have a healthy conversation and revert back to the way we used to be during some fights. But as we currently move through our marriage, we are always trying to do the best we can and that’s how I know we are still a down duo, we are still willing and able to do the work. Together.

Funny Story | @emilyhenrywrites Moments. Lately. A Game of Fate | Scarlett St. Clair Bay side. A Touch of Darkness | Scarlett St. Clair

The Cut Off.

“…it’s ok to talk about me behind my back.
Just tell the truth.
Tell them all the things that I did for you.
Tell them that positivity surrounded all of my actions and that negative ions had an eye on everything I tried to become.
Take all your false charges, add them together, and we are left polarized ’cause you can’t attract positivity
with lies.
Too bad you can’t look me in the eyes
when you stab me in the back.”

Kyla Jenee Lacey | Poet | via Instagram @kylajlacey

I know I already had a blow out yell session with her. No, I didn’t let her get a word in. I thought I had the right to say my piece, in any way I chose, since she took it upon herself to talk all that mess behind my back. For months, I hear. Do I know what her problem with me was? No, because never once did she consider to say it to my face. She, in her mid life, wants to drown in negativity. That seems to be her breath. Her lifeline. The only way she can get through the day. For as long as I’ve known her, her go to is to go low.

Yup. Sounds like I haven’t moved on quite yet and am still living as PETTY LaBelle a little bit longer. I have to be in these feelings and the only way to go forward is to move through.

Am I a perfect person? Hell no. Am I a perfect friend? Nope. Am I a good friend? I try to be. I make a conscious effort to be. Always.

“It’s ok to talk about me behind my back. Just tell the truth.”

Everyone has frustrations with friends. Just as much as they have frustrations with their partner, their children, their co-workers, etc. That’s all ok.
We are human.
We are all imperfect humans.
We have a right to express those frustrations to those we feel safe with. But no matter the frustrations, respect shouldn’t be forgotten.

Cutting ties with a person in a friendship (or any type of relationship) makes you look back and take notice of all the red flags we stupidly missed or noted them during the friendship and “gracefully looked them over”. Honestly, I’m still holding on to this situation because, although I may no longer care for this person, I can not seem to forgive myself. I heard how she spoke about other people, I should’ve known she would speak about me in the same tone. I tried to be the friend who could alter her thought process. Maybe show her that negativity doesn’t always have to be the go to expression. I should have known better.
I allowed myself to look over so many red flags and continue a friendship I should never have nurtured. There have been two times, in my adult life, that I have gone against my first instinct of keeping distance from a person and reluctantly let them get close to me. And both times did not end well. Always listen to your gut.

So I say to you, Miss Ma’am. When you spoke down about me because I chose to fix a personal problem with my family over going to a dinner for you, did you also tell the table everything else I did for you during the span of our friendship? Did you tell them all the times I let you speak freely about your feelings without judgement? Did you mention all the times I stood by you when you felt like you were standing alone? While you sat and got buzzed off your margarita and your true feelings came out, were those true feelings only disdain for me and did you conveniently bury any kind memories of me to prove your negative point to your audience for the evening? Did you ever once take into consideration that although I could not show up in person that night, that I showed up for you in many other ways on many other different occasions?

Hhhmmmm.

If you actually knew me at all, you should have known I would not have walked away from this situation quietly. I am not the one, two, or the three. So now if you tell everyone the story of us and why I stepped out of (in the process of healing) character to speak up for myself, remember that your ACTIONS triggered MY RESPONSE. You like telling “stories”, so make sure you tell the whole one.

But as much as I’m still trying to forgive myself for letting you have an ounce of my friendship, I am grateful your true colors shined brighter than the sun. But because of you, I made room for people who radiate positivity and bring me peace. I spent more time and had deeper conversations with people who light me up and want all the best things for me as much as I want all the best things for them. Since our cut off, I’ve grown closer to women who supported me at my lowest times and appreciate every part of my personality. But most importantly, I was able to nurture the relationships with women who value my friendship and respect me enough to know conversations to my face are more appreciated than conversations behind my back.

I won’t ever forget all the times you were a good friend to me. But the moment you became a foe will be highlighted in my memory.

I have always been clear that when I love someone, I love them hard and forever. But when I am crossed, the opposite holds true 10x over.
You wanted the smoke, so I gave it to you.

Funny Story | @emilyhenrywrites Moments. Lately. A Game of Fate | Scarlett St. Clair Bay side. A Touch of Darkness | Scarlett St. Clair

Mom. Mommy. Mama. Mimi.

I once was very scared to have children. When I got married, I didn’t even think I would want any kids. Not only was I deathly afraid of being pregnant and birthing a human, I didn’t think I would naturally know what to do or how to love a child. I babysat a couple times at one point but that experience definitely did NOT tickle the ovaries. But once I got pregnant something just clicked. I was going to be a mom and I was….excited.

Now here I am with two children and I wouldn’t know how my life would have turned out if it changed course. I don’t even think I want to know how my life would be if I didn’t have my two boys. Being a mom still comes with crippling fear and anxiety no matter what age they are. I constantly think I am doing all the wrong things and the other half of the time I feel like I don’t even know WHAT I am doing. But what I do know is that I love my kids fiercely and I will do anything and everything for them. It really does take a village to raise these babies and if it wasn’t for these women, past and present, I don’t think I could do it.

And when I have those moments where I question my ability as a mother, I look to the women I admire the most. Not all of them may have children of their own but their maternal instincts are on high and I appreciate them all just the same. I dive into a safe space with all these women and talk about my thoughts and feelings and I appreciate their words and support.

To my mom who shows me that no matter what stage the relationship between mother and child are, the love will always be fierce. My kids never have any doubt how deep and how strong my love for them will always be. I’ve made it a point to have a little mantra with them during the tough times.

“Me: Even if I’m upset…
Them: You still love me?
Me: I still love you.”

To my aunts and grandmothers, who offered me a space to be able to come to them when I just couldn’t go to my mom for whatever reason. They let me vent about whatever was happening in my life and listened like a friend and guided me like a mother.

To the women I have met through my children’s school, the teachers and PTA patnas that have become friends. We have created bonds through these primary school years because our children are going through these growing pains together. We are able to lean on each other since we all are experiencing the same things at the same time. We all know how hard this mom thing is, and we never once thought to judge one another. These women taught me that village isn’t just in blood and I am forever grateful for their love and care for not only me but for my children as well.

Mother in law, sisters in law, mother figures to me, mother figures to my kids, cousins, sisters and other friends. The list of women who make me a better woman and mother is long. I’ve listened to their words and I’ve watched how they move. I have surrounded myself with a whole bunch of badass mamas and I can’t think of a better group of women to help me raise my boys. Thank you, each and every one of you, immensely, for being my village of women.

HMD.

Kole And The One Three.

Last month my oldest turned thirteen. THIRTEEN. I’ve said this so many times and I’ll keep saying it again and again…Father Time, you are wildin’!!

I remember the day he was born so clearly. I remember all the events that lead up to his birth, all the people who were around me and the conversations I had over the phone. So many funny, scary, and beautiful moments of that time in April 2010. Then we blink. And the year is all of a sudden 2023 and the boy is all of a sudden a teenager.

I admit, I look back in time and I cryyyyy. I want so very badly to carry him in my arms and sing him lullabies. I want him to call me mommy and tell me silly stories in his baby voice. I want him to still look up at me and hold my hand. But all the things that I want, can no longer be.

I look at him and the baby face features are fading. His voice has completely changed, his face doesn’t always light up when he sees me and holding my hand is an absolute NO. GO. I am absolutely terrified of this new stage we have been slowly entering and I have no idea what I’m doing. I feel like all my words and choices are all wrong when it comes to parenting a teenager. I can no longer make decisions I think are best for him. I have to learn to give him the freedom to make those on his own so he can learn all the lessons he needs to learn.

I know it’s time for me to look at my little boy as a young man taking control of his own life. As much as I’m having a hard time with this, I can put a positive spin on it and be completely proud of him for advocating for himself. He’s learning new things about himself and trying to figure out what kind of human he wants to be. He’s trying new things to figure out what makes him happy and what brings him joy.

All the things I get frustrated with about him are things I know could possibly be his strengths. When I offer up a punishment he sits there and questions my choice. He debates with me making sure the “punishment fits the crime”. And he never settles for “because I said so.” In the moment, I’m furious with all of that. But with a clear mind I can see how healthy it is that he knows to fight for himself no matter who he’s fighting with. We just need to work on his delivery. *eye roll* He and I are hella similar, I feel so bad for my own mom. But again, with a clear mind and time, my mom has also seen I will not and never have settled and I will and have always fought for myself in the same way Kole does.

Despite the puberty part of it all, I enjoy seeing the journey of his change. Kole has always had a good heart and I know he is growing up to be a strong, smart, and talented gentleman because he is a strong, smart, and talented young man. With spice. I can’t be all that mad because let’s be a 100, he get it from his mama.

Funny Story | @emilyhenrywrites Moments. Lately. A Game of Fate | Scarlett St. Clair Bay side. A Touch of Darkness | Scarlett St. Clair

Female Connections.

I am so grateful to look around me and take a strong notice of my female friendships and connections.

To the women who have become my sisters, they have stayed down for me No. Matter. What. They have allowed a safe space for me to feel my feelings, shout out my petty, and express my frustrations without judgement. They let me be me and still love me. They know I am NOT my worst day. They have grown with me and we vibe so well together because we allow each other to express our boundaries and most importantly we respect those boundaries. With clear and healthy communication and understanding, we know that cancelled plans are not the measure of our love and respect for each other. We know life happens and it’s ok to miss a dinner or a trip. Not showing up physically can be looked over because what matters is when we show up and show out for each other in different ways.

Some of my strong connections are with women I keep in touch with through social media or texts here and there or maybe a coffee/dinner date from time to time. We can sense hardship and struggle through posts and texts and we are always down to lift each other up. When we have the capacity to be present for one another, we set aside time to share an encouraging note or similar experiences and how we got or are getting through it.

This is the kind of energy I want to surround myself with. That I NEED to surround myself with. There was a moment I let a person into my life that drained the hell out of me. She let out more negative energy than positive. Now that our friendship has come to a close, I look back at our relationship and realized it was no where close to healthy or enriching. In my pursuit in trying to continue our friendship because I felt it was the nice thing to do, it was clear it was not the right thing to do. I let it run way passed its course and it was just time for me to remove myself from her. The end was not peaceful in action (ya’ll…I am heal-ing, NOT heal-ed) but still extremely peaceful in essence. I am happy to let go of that chapter. HELLA. It made me appreciate the women I do have in my life that want nothing more than great things for me as much as I want great things for them. They are the ones that charge me with their light.

Here’s to dope ass women who lift each other up, never want to drown our light with dark, and always make sure we glow for the gods.

Funny Story | @emilyhenrywrites Moments. Lately. A Game of Fate | Scarlett St. Clair Bay side. A Touch of Darkness | Scarlett St. Clair

Me.

I have always had a hard time putting me first. Most people I know have the same problem. We are so concerned about taking care of others, we often forget that we can’t help anyone else if we are running on empty.

Yes, it is admirable to always be of service to those in need and especially to those we love. But just like we are told on the plane, “Be sure to secure your own mask before assisting others.”

Saying “No”, “I can not”, or “I will not” always left me with huge amounts of guilt. Sacrificing my own schedule and feelings to appease a loved one was always at the top of the list. What I wanted or needed could be put at the end of the line because putting everyone else first makes me an amazing friend.

No. NO TO ALL OF THAT.

I have finally come to a point in my life where I HAVE to put myself first a lot of the time. There are some times a lot of the times where I do struggle with this but there are other things that I can make a “non-negotiable” for me to make sure I keep on track.

I have been consistent with making sure my morning routine is on point with every step checked off. I’ve learned to not always be in a rush. I do what I need to do for the kids to get their morning going and I cherish the 10 minutes I set for MYSELF. I throw on some music and do every step of my skin care. I take my time putting on every serum that can keep me looking clean and Cullen and slather every moisturizer that can keep me glowing for the gods. A Gua Sha is a FA SHO. It keeps the blood flowing and it’s such a great little face massage to start off the day!

I limit the amount of times I cancel on myself. There have been times where someone has invited me to a last minute coffee date or a lunch during a scheduled workout or during a time I set aside to read. Those things may seem unimportant to others but it’s not just the act of working out or reading, it’s me intentionally choosing an activity that I know fills my cup. I will be much better company on the next coffee run or lunch date once I bring myself some joy.

I still have a lot of work to do but I am finding opportunities to offer some peace and happiness for my mind and my soul. If I pride myself in being a ride or die for my people, I must remember to offer the same energy to myself. Love me.

Love, Me.

*Commission links listed above.

Sweet Somethings.

I don’t like celebrating February 14th much because it just isn’t one of my favorite celebrations. But whenever February rolls around, I do have a little tradition I have with the boys.

It all started in February 2019, Kole was 8 and Monroe was 3. I surprised the boys with a little note each day from February 1st through February 14th.

I would cut pieces of different colored cardstock into hearts and wrote little notes on them. I would write little things that told them what I love about them and every night, for 14 nights, I would tape the heart shaped notes on the wall for them to find and read in the morning. To my surprise, they were just as happy and excited finding the notes as they are about opening up gifts on Christmas Eve night.

That year, we ended up keeping the notes up all year round. As the seasons changed and the next February 1st rolled around, the hearts were taken down only to make room for that year’s set of Love Notes.

The boys have a memory box that they keep each of the notes I wrote for them. It is only in this moment, that I am not going crazy over how much of hoarders they are. They never want to let go of anything! There are times I have to negotiate with them on items they can keep and what they MUST get rid of! Thankfully, these Love Notes are a non negotiable for them.

Alas, February 2023 is here and a whole new set of Love Notes with sweet somethings are ready to be written for them.

To The Boys I Will Love Always. 🤎