Summertime is coming to a close and the school year is about to begin. When school let out back in June I was so excited. I get to spend all my summer days with my oldest as well as my youngest! Then a week into summer vacation I realized peace was all lost. Quiet and calm was a distant memory. I was ready for vacation to be over. But as much as I yearned for peace and quiet and as much as I was so over and done with each day, the night ended with me and Ryan talking about how much we loved seeing Kole and Monroe together, the way they interacted, and the way they played. We watched them sleep and wished they were awake because we realized we missed the noise. Oh, but of course never spoke of it too out loud in case the universe actually listened. We didn’t miss the noise THAT much! Monroe seemed to be playing his own game of shadow and followed every single thing Kole did. Every word and movement was mimicked. Even right down to when Kole sneezed Monroe tried to sneeze. You know, what every younger sibling does with their older siblings. The last couple of months Monroe has learned so many things and for the most part it was Kole teaching him. I’m going to miss their all day interaction with each other. I’m especially going to miss watching their imagination on high speed and hearing it at the highest volume possible.And I know, most of all, Monroe is going to miss seeing his brother all day. His best bud. His ace. But it’s time to have Kole go and learn second grade things and I’m excited to listen to all his second grade stories. Next week we say goodbye to summer and hello to second grade. Bye, Summer 2017. Thanks for the memories.
Faith | There have been some things that happened this month that tested our faith. Ryan had his heart set on a career change. He was banking on this new position because it was something he felt will give him a better quality of life. A chance to spend more time with me and the boys and an opportunity to grow within the company and help us better financially in the future. Sadly, under circumstances not in his control, it fell through. With the disappointment with that and the loss of the matriarch in his family, he was under a mini dark cloud.
Feeling negative about things is human nature. That moment of weakness when you feel like you can’t catch a break because when it rains it POURS, you can’t help but feel like you’re drowning. One of the things that I think is very important in a relationship/partnership is that two people can’t be swimming in that pool of negativity. I felt everything he was feeling. I understood why he felt as such but I couldn’t let him believe there wasn’t a good reason. Although we are Catholic, we are not constant church goers or avidly practice Catholicism but our faith in God is big and strong. But we are human, and when our faith touches rocky ground we tend to get lost.
First thing’s first. Dealing with the passing of his grandmother was tough. But through all the heartache and tears came out more opportunities to see family he hasn’t seen in years. Times spent with his siblings were longer and much more frequent. After every weekend we see family, Ryan seems more uplifted and more thankful. Grandma Julie loves that. I promise you.
Second on the list: getting past not getting the opportunity that he so much had his heart set on. We had lots of conversations on keeping faith, letting us let go and accept that God has a bigger and better plan, and we’ve gotten through worse so we can get through this. After those many faith centered conversations and after Ryan finally accepted his fate, he gets a phone call. The recruiters called Ryan and extended an offer to continue on with their company. They even went ahead and told him they pulled it together because they didn’t want to lose such a good candidate.
Faith was tested but in the end, our higher power was on our side reminding us that even though we go through struggle down here, He’s up there working his heavenly magic.
I am a person who didn’t necessarily get on with people, especially females, off the bat. The smiles and hellos and how are yous were me being cordial and not me wanting to be life long friends or even acquaintances for that matter. I could be very guarded and stone faced if I don’t know you or am not comfortable upon the first greeting. I have gotten much better throughout the years and have been more open and definitely more kind. You know, trying to lead by example so my kids don’t go around muggin’ everybody.
I went to an all girls high school where many alpha females were in attendance and honesty, loyalty, and respect were lacking. We didn’t like each other for the most meaningless reasons, then got along well after a retreat or something, right back to hating each other all over just because of much hearsay. Hella hearsay. Oh, high school! But we were kids. We didn’t know better. At the time, people giving us advice were our peers who were going through the same things and you just learn to Trust. No. One.
Fast forward to adulthood and marriage. When you marry a person with siblings you gain sister in laws. Women you must learn to love and/or at least to understand and respect. Thank God, I got good ones. We try to spend as much time together as we can. We laugh. We gab. We cling together at family parties. Most importantly, we are there for one another. I grew up with a brother so having sisters in laws that I actually like is treat for me! Ha!
Of course, as in every tight group, there are misunderstandings, miscommunication, and disagreements but we are sisters by marriage but very much friends by choice. We are all alpha females in our own right and still get along quite well. We enjoy each other’s company. We respect each other, support each other and we sincerely love each other. They came with the marriage and our friendship is also very much til’ death do us part.
“She stands firmly on her own two feet and I just behind her; should she ever need me.”
A very dear friend of mine called me one day and surprised me with some amazing news. She’s pregnant! She was a person who fiddled around the idea of having children but didn’t particularly plan on it. She is excited nontheless and I am excited for her. Like, hella. As I’m enjoying her news, it takes me through the memories of when I was pregnant.
First, let me say, I was not one of those women who enjoyed pregnancy. I complained all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. I was uncomfortable, irritable, and always tired. I annoyingly received comments on my body, on how tired I looked, and (my favorite) the comparisons with other pregnant women. Not to mention the anxiety of thinking of the labor. Which I still felt the second time around adding the anxiety of feeling I wouldn’t know how to be a mother to two kids. I was a mess! You know, the pregnancy usual. These stuck to me and are sometimes the first things I think about when I look back on pregnancy but what sticks out the most is the connection I had with my babies.
Yes, two people started the process but we, as women, are the ones that see it through. Love and security are what home is and I was their first idea of home. We were in this together. We ate the same things. We felt the same feelings. We were one.
Although the kicking has a slight hint of creepiness to it, the feeling of a tiny human being growing inside me letting me know “Sup, I’m here mommy and I love you as much as you love me” with a quick roundhouse is pretty amazing.
Despite my list of pregnancy negatives, the positives still shine bright. I took part in creating two human beings. I never knew my heart could pump more blood and love than it already did before I became a mother. Pregnancy may not have been the most enjoyable experience for me but I’m pretty sure the motherhood part suits me just right.
This is a blog post I wrote in September 2012. It’s interesting to go back and read entries from the past. It’s difficult to remember those tough emotions but it makes me appreciate how much better I am today. How much more control I have over my happiness rather than being so out of control in my darkness. I was going through a lot at the time, finding my way out of postpartum depression (for the first time) and trying to sort out the world around me. It was a rough time for me. But even in that time, I still managed to see light at the end of that dark tunnel I was stranded in with the help of two of my very, very close friends.
• • •
Since I became a mother who was able to stay at home and watch my son grow, I was (am) able to reflect a lot on my friendships. Once my life changed into scattered milk bottles and first words, my friends continued on with their single and dirty diaper-less lives. I don’t regret one bit that I have gained a certain responsibility, but I do regret how some of my friendships turned out.
When people have different priorities their outlooks on things are obviously just as different. How did all of a sudden I felt that they absolutely couldn’t be there for me anymore? But also, how did all of a sudden they felt they couldn’t talk to me like they used to?
Well, let’s take a look. After I had my son, I unfortunately got that dreaded dark cloud over my head that, as I’ve learned, comes naturally after child birth. I wouldn’t say it was a black shade but more on the gray scale. But during that tough time, I took a break from EVERYONE. I had to grasp what was going on within me on my own. At that point, I knew my friends wouldn’t understand. Luckily, after I finally opened up to them, I was starting to feel a little more normal. After I reconnected with them, some relationships got tighter and others just continued to loosen.
It cuts very deep to know that the person you always called first for anything will barely answer the phone. I guess she’s just too damn busy. Too busy to say hello. Too busy to grab a bite or a cup of joe. Just too busy for….Me. But because of the ever growing world of technology and social networking, I know for a fact this person is not too busy for the people she sees everyday, or the friend who lives thousands of miles away, or anyone else but me (it seems). While all this is happening, I have accepted it and told myself that it’s ok. If my life isn’t as interesting as it once was to this person, I have found that it is still interesting to others. I was able to nurture the friendships that didn’t change and because of the roller coaster of emotions I have felt for the past couple of years, I am forever grateful for them. They never gave up on me. They had faith that the fog would lift. That I would see brighter days and they made sure that it was with them that I would share the sunshine.
To A: Thank you for just listening. I appreciate you more than you can ever imagine. Thank you for trusting me with your feelings on love and appreciating the advice and knowledge I can share with you on the subject. You have been and will ALWAYS be someone I can rely on.
To D: You are my sanity and my strength. You definitely play a huge part in helping me rebuild myself when I have completely fallen apart. For being miles away from each other, you are always there when I need you. You’re there when I want to cry, to yell, and to just laugh. I love you with all my heart and soul.
A&D: Thank you for bringing me light.
This month was all about the celebration of life. Many things happened this month that just reminded all of us to live life boldly, passionately, happily and with as much love as possible. Here are a couple of my June favorite moments.
Monroe | This month Monroe turned two. Terrifically terrible and two. Lord help me. Ha!
Let me take you back two years ago on the day before his was born. As you may know, Kole is quite the loving little boy. The day before Monroe was born he happened to randomly say to me “Happy Kisses Day, Mommy” (a holiday he clearly made up on his own and on the spot) and gave me a kiss. He then turned to my belly and said, “Happy Kisses Day, Monroe” then gave my belly a kiss.
Fast forward to this year, the day before Monroe’s birthday. Monroe became a little kissing machine. He was handing out free kisses all day! He’s way too young to understand one of my favorite memories but it absolutely made me shed a tear that he may have remembered that little itty bitty voice that reminded him to celebrate a Kole holiday. But don’t be fooled by all those kisses, Monroe can still “make mischief, of one kind or another” because he is a wild thing. King of all the wild things, as a matter of fact. 😉
Las Vegas | Last week we had to make a last minute trip to Vegas. We gathered together with Ryan’s family to celebrate his grandmother’s life and lay her to rest. Although the intent of the trip started out as a sad one, it quickly became a joyous one. I t was a time where family members who don’t often get to see each other (because life) spend some good quality time. They got to talk of stories that brought on nostalgia of their childhood and time spent with their grandmother. I t was a time to bring the youngest generation together to create memories they will happily reminisce about in the future. And because life leads them in different directions, it was a quick reminder that family is still and always will be Thick. As. Hell.
In this materialistic land we roam today, amazing gifts are measured by how expensive it is, how high it is on a top 100 list, or how envious you can make someone when you put it up on the ‘gram. Let’s face it, being a stay at home mom doesn’t pay the bills so it won’t buy extravagance for any other outside of the home. So I try hard to really think up gifts that suit the receiver so I know every penny I spent was worth it to them. Thought is a huge part in my gift giving. That is, of course, if I’m not extremely backed up with kid things and if I know with absolute certainty that cash and a gift card is what they yearn for the most.
It was one of my very bestest friends’ birthday a couple of months ago and we don’t always exchange gifts on birthdays because we prefer time and talk over objects anyway. But this year when I thought about her birthday, I thought about the perfect gift for her. A video I came across on Facebook (watch here!) got me sucked in and intrigued. It was the video of a man who created MyIntent Project. It’s simple unique jewelry that shares meaningful intentions. The website states:
“MyIntent Project is a catalyst for meaningful conversations and positive action.
We believe there is purpose inside each of us and we want our efforts to encourage people to share more truth and inspiration with each other.
We are not a jewelry company – we are a service project.”
Refreshing, am I right? You simply go on the website, choose the type of accessory, and choose your WORD.
For my dear friend I chose “SORELLA” which means sister in Italian. She moved to Italy for a bit to rejuvenate and refocus. It was an important chapter in her life so all things Italian holds a very special place in her heart. And her being my one of my dearest friends, she holds a very special place in mine. So I gave her this gift so she will forever know MY intent. To continue to be there for her as I’ve always been no matter where life leads us. That I will never judge her for her most truest feelings. That I always will be happy for her success and always be by her side during her milestones. That I will infinitely appreciate the friendship and loyalty she has given me since day one on that crazy Colma night.
What’s special to you? What’s your hope or dream for the future?
What’s your WORD?