Falling in love with who I am.
I don’t have time for anything that’s gonna harm me.
Lyrics: Hello | Aqyila
This past December I celebrated my 42nd birthday. It’s been so long since I wanted to do anything in celebration of my birthday. I struggled hard with depression and anxiety for the past few years and the last thing I wanted to do was to celebrate my life. A morbid thought but a brutally honest truth. I was more than comfortable laying around in the dark, under the covers, with no one around and could feel that was the party of the century for me. But during the summer of 2023, I looked into therapy because I finally came to a point where I no longer wanted to be content in my sadness. I truly believe that helped my mindset once my birthday rolled around.
Once it got closer to my birthday, it was the first time in such a long time I planned ahead. I made a list of people and reviewed potential restaurants with my sister. That in itself shocked the hell out of me. That told me I was committed to do this and it genuinely brought me joy.
Like I mentioned before, my path to brighter days and a brighter mindset started in the summer. I had reached a point where I could no longer hide my sadness and depression. I was more irritable than normal and cried all the time. My soul hurt and it hurt bad. I was also letting negative people take over my thoughts and my space which added on to my dark cloud. Close friends heard and felt the sadness that emitted from my aura no matter how hard I hid behind smiles that I thought, with my whole heart, were pretty convincing. They were, in fact, not convincing at all. They saw through it and one friend in particular told me that they saw the dim in my light and they knew that was not who I was. As she said it with a crack in her voice, I heard it loud and clear behind the tears welling up in my eyes.
And with that, I sought out the help I knew I needed but was too afraid to ask for. After some sessions and a deep reflection of who I am and who I want to be and the impact of the positive people in my life, the dark cloud was lifting. Slowly but surely. I put myself first and weeded out the negative people and pushed away the negative thoughts. I no longer was giving them permission to invade my space. I was able to see and feel that I was deserving of good things and good people. My life deserves to be celebrated. I have been through a lot of shit and have always fought my way out of it to make sure I am there for the people I love. And I realized, I should also be there for the person I should love the most, myself.
So, as I jotted down the names of people I wanted to break bread with on my birthday. I wrote all those names down thoughtfully and with much care. Each stroke of a letter empowered me with deep love. The people who helped me celebrate my life, gave me life in one way or another. They were a mixture of people that I know genuinely want all good things for me and nothing less. Some have been in my life for 20+ years, seen the different versions of me and have stuck by me with no judgement and only loved me harder as the years added on to our friendship. Some have been acquaintances for years and have become family to me in a short period of time. I have a special feeling of gratitude for them. They loved me at a time I was feeling my worst and chose to not let me figure it all out on my own. They encouraged me to find my light. They chose to cry with me and continued to lift me up. They absolutely gave me a strong sense of women supporting women. What an amazing feeling that is!
No matter how much I express it to these special humans, they may never really know how deep my love and appreciation runs for them. But no matter where life ever leads us, they will always hold a special place in my heart because, at this stage of my life, they helped me see that I was worth celebrating. I am worth the effort. And I always have been.
Cheers to many more years of self love and happy adventures with amazing people.
Crown and Coffee 