This is a blog post I wrote in September 2012. It’s interesting to go back and read entries from the past. It’s difficult to remember those tough emotions but it makes me appreciate how much better I am today. How much more control I have over my happiness rather than being so out of control in my darkness. I was going through a lot at the time, finding my way out of postpartum depression (for the first time) and trying to sort out the world around me. It was a rough time for me. But even in that time, I still managed to see light at the end of that dark tunnel I was stranded in with the help of two of my very, very close friends.
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Since I became a mother who was able to stay at home and watch my son grow, I was (am) able to reflect a lot on my friendships. Once my life changed into scattered milk bottles and first words, my friends continued on with their single and dirty diaper-less lives. I don’t regret one bit that I have gained a certain responsibility, but I do regret how some of my friendships turned out.
When people have different priorities their outlooks on things are obviously just as different. How did all of a sudden I felt that they absolutely couldn’t be there for me anymore? But also, how did all of a sudden they felt they couldn’t talk to me like they used to?
Well, let’s take a look. After I had my son, I unfortunately got that dreaded dark cloud over my head that, as I’ve learned, comes naturally after child birth. I wouldn’t say it was a black shade but more on the gray scale. But during that tough time, I took a break from EVERYONE. I had to grasp what was going on within me on my own. At that point, I knew my friends wouldn’t understand. Luckily, after I finally opened up to them, I was starting to feel a little more normal. After I reconnected with them, some relationships got tighter and others just continued to loosen.
It cuts very deep to know that the person you always called first for anything will barely answer the phone. I guess she’s just too damn busy. Too busy to say hello. Too busy to grab a bite or a cup of joe. Just too busy for….Me. But because of the ever growing world of technology and social networking, I know for a fact this person is not too busy for the people she sees everyday, or the friend who lives thousands of miles away, or anyone else but me (it seems). While all this is happening, I have accepted it and told myself that it’s ok. If my life isn’t as interesting as it once was to this person, I have found that it is still interesting to others. I was able to nurture the friendships that didn’t change and because of the roller coaster of emotions I have felt for the past couple of years, I am forever grateful for them. They never gave up on me. They had faith that the fog would lift. That I would see brighter days and they made sure that it was with them that I would share the sunshine.
To A: Thank you for just listening. I appreciate you more than you can ever imagine. Thank you for trusting me with your feelings on love and appreciating the advice and knowledge I can share with you on the subject. You have been and will ALWAYS be someone I can rely on.
To D: You are my sanity and my strength. You definitely play a huge part in helping me rebuild myself when I have completely fallen apart. For being miles away from each other, you are always there when I need you. You’re there when I want to cry, to yell, and to just laugh. I love you with all my heart and soul.
A&D: Thank you for bringing me light.